My Million-Dollar Challenge
You know what disgusts me? Conspiracy theories. Look at it this way: which of the following represents a greater danger to society? The fact that the mainstream media uncritically repeated Bush's claims about Iraq's nonexistent WMD's, or the fact that so many people think that oil may have played at least a partial role in Bush's decision to go to war? I'm with professional skeptic George Case on this one- only a conspiracy theorist could possibly think oil had anything to do with the Iraq war. In fact, I think it's just bizarre that people are so gullible as to believe that oil ever plays a role in geopolitical calculations. But, fortunately, Case's article explains at length what sorts of brain pathologies lead people to hold these weird political beliefs.
And it doesn't stop there. The fact that so many people believe that oil played a role in the Iraq war is insignificant compared to the fact that a small number of people think that the Queen of England is a shapeshifting pedophile lizard from Zeta Reticuli. How can democracy survive, when small fringe groups are permitted to hold unusual beliefs?
Well, I've had enough. The fact of the matter is that evil men simply do not use secrecy as a cover for coordinated illegal actions, not ever. It's just not physically possible. And when it does happen, it is inevitably exposed. And since the public is having so much trouble grasping that fact, I now proudly announce the Wintermute Bookbinder Million Dollar Challenge.
I, Wintermute Bookbinder, will pay a million dollars cash to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of any conspiracy theory of any kind whatsoever. It's really that simple. And when, after a few years pass and not one single person has claimed the prize money, we'll be able to point to the challenge as proof that conspiracies are in general impossible.
Are you a friendless, paranoid nut who would like to apply for the challenge? Fear not- I have compiled a brief FAQ for applicants. Please read it in full before bothering me. Let me also remind you that you are insane. Thus, you may want to have a lawyer or a non-insane friend read the FAQ for you.
1. Is the challenge really open to all conspiracy theories?
Yes.
2. Really?
Yes. All conspiracy theories of any sort whatsoever.
3. Are you sure?
Yes, dammit, no exceptions. The fact that no one has claimed the prize money will one day stand as proof that all conspiracy theories are false. Obviously it would be pointless to open the challenge to some conspiracy theories but not others.
4. How do you define "conspiracy theory"?
The term "conspiracy theory" is surprisingly difficult to define. Not all claims of nefarious acts plotted by multiple actors in secret are "conspiracy theories."
If you have any questions about whether your claim is a conspiracy theory, please email it to me and I will happily tell you if it is, in fact, eligible for the challenge, long before my money is at risk.
5. Does (this) qualify as a conspiracy theory?
The best way to answer this is to apply a list of things that people commonly apply for.
For purposes of this challenge, the following DO NOT count as conspiracy theories:
The JFK assassination. The assassinations of RFK, MLK, or X. The Illuminati. Claims that the government is storing a UFO at Roswell. Watergate. MK-ULTRA. Operation Stargate.
For purposes of this challenge, the following DO count as conspiracy theories:
Bat boy. Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster mid-coitus, either a) by crushing him between her steely thighs at the moment of orgasm, or b) using a poofy, 1960's style machine-gun bra. The belief that vampires have killed your wife and replaced her with an identical impostor. Elvis is alive, and working under the stage name "Michael Jackson."
Theories regarding the JFK assassination are not eligible for this challenge because- unlike claims regarding Bat Boy- they have already been conclusively proven false. Claims regarding the Illuminati are not eligible because, if true, they would expose claimants to dangerous reprisals. Watergate is ineligible because it's a real conspiracy, not a conspiracy theory.
Some claims are clearly too ridiculous to be worth further scrutiny. Thus, MK-ULTRA and Operation Stargate are not eligible for the challenge because not only is the government too incompetent to engage in a conspiracy, it is also far too wise to waste money on bizarre schemes to develop psionic and mind-control weapons.
6. How is the challenge to be judged?
I do not serve as the judge for the challenge. Instead, applicants to the challenge must devise their own criterion of proof which will make the truth or falsity of their claim self-evident, without requiring formal judging. My only involvement in the process is to reject criteria of proof which do not meet my standards of academic rigor.
Clearly this is a fair rule, and slanted towards the applicants- after all, they get to serve as their own judges. Moreover, since the criterion of success is mutually agreed upon, neither side can be forced into doing something they don't want to do. It's potentially easy for the challenge to degenerate into finger-pointing once you fail. This rule is meant to ensure that finger-pointing will have no merit.
7. Can I be disqualified from the challenge because of my atrocious behavior?
YES. I can cancel your application at any time if I deem your behavior to be unacceptable, and it will be all your fault, and you will have no one to blame but yourself, you... you... you nasty little child, you!
The following behaviors can result in your being disqualified and permanently barred from the challenge:
Profanity. Obstinacy. Unwillingness to cooperate. Criminal libel (especially insistence that I, Wintermute Bookbinder, am narrow-minded or dishonest, or insistent criticisms of the terms of the Million-Dollar Challenge.)
8. Is there a judge to whom I can appeal my disqualification?
NO. The decision will be made purely by myself, with no possibility of appeal.
Please understand that as I am an eminently fair and reasonable person, you cannot hope for any better judge than myself. I will only use my unilateral power to cancel the challenge under the most extreme circumstances. After all, it is not my goal to reject your claim. While I feel that beliefs such as your own are so inane that I often publicly speculate that they must have their origins in an undiagnosed brain tumor, I nonetheless have no greater interest than giving your beliefs a full and fair hearing, and am perfectly willing to pay out $1 million should they turn out to be true. Surely you understand that criticisms of my challenge or my character constitute criminal libel, and thus it is only reasonable that anyone making such criticisms be permanently banned.
9. Can I only be banned for criticising the challenge while I am being tested, or am I forbidden to make any public comments criticising the challenge at all?
You will be permanently banned from the challenge if you ever claim that the test is unfair, or that I am dishonest, in any place, at any time.
In particular, visitors to the online forum of the Wintermute Bookbinder Educational Foundation should remember that the forum exists solely to further free and open debate. It does not exist to provide you with a platform for criticising me or my challenge. While you are free to offer brief or tepid criticism of the WBEF and its challenge, bear in mind that it shouldn't get out of hand. Remember, the WBEF exists to further my crusade against conspiracy theorists such as yourself. And while open debate is a healthy part of that crusade, the fact remains that the WBEF does not exist to further the crusade of conspiracy theorists against me.
And it doesn't stop there. The fact that so many people believe that oil played a role in the Iraq war is insignificant compared to the fact that a small number of people think that the Queen of England is a shapeshifting pedophile lizard from Zeta Reticuli. How can democracy survive, when small fringe groups are permitted to hold unusual beliefs?
Well, I've had enough. The fact of the matter is that evil men simply do not use secrecy as a cover for coordinated illegal actions, not ever. It's just not physically possible. And when it does happen, it is inevitably exposed. And since the public is having so much trouble grasping that fact, I now proudly announce the Wintermute Bookbinder Million Dollar Challenge.
I, Wintermute Bookbinder, will pay a million dollars cash to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of any conspiracy theory of any kind whatsoever. It's really that simple. And when, after a few years pass and not one single person has claimed the prize money, we'll be able to point to the challenge as proof that conspiracies are in general impossible.
Are you a friendless, paranoid nut who would like to apply for the challenge? Fear not- I have compiled a brief FAQ for applicants. Please read it in full before bothering me. Let me also remind you that you are insane. Thus, you may want to have a lawyer or a non-insane friend read the FAQ for you.
1. Is the challenge really open to all conspiracy theories?
Yes.
2. Really?
Yes. All conspiracy theories of any sort whatsoever.
3. Are you sure?
Yes, dammit, no exceptions. The fact that no one has claimed the prize money will one day stand as proof that all conspiracy theories are false. Obviously it would be pointless to open the challenge to some conspiracy theories but not others.
4. How do you define "conspiracy theory"?
The term "conspiracy theory" is surprisingly difficult to define. Not all claims of nefarious acts plotted by multiple actors in secret are "conspiracy theories."
If you have any questions about whether your claim is a conspiracy theory, please email it to me and I will happily tell you if it is, in fact, eligible for the challenge, long before my money is at risk.
5. Does (this) qualify as a conspiracy theory?
The best way to answer this is to apply a list of things that people commonly apply for.
For purposes of this challenge, the following DO NOT count as conspiracy theories:
The JFK assassination. The assassinations of RFK, MLK, or X. The Illuminati. Claims that the government is storing a UFO at Roswell. Watergate. MK-ULTRA. Operation Stargate.
For purposes of this challenge, the following DO count as conspiracy theories:
Bat boy. Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster mid-coitus, either a) by crushing him between her steely thighs at the moment of orgasm, or b) using a poofy, 1960's style machine-gun bra. The belief that vampires have killed your wife and replaced her with an identical impostor. Elvis is alive, and working under the stage name "Michael Jackson."
Theories regarding the JFK assassination are not eligible for this challenge because- unlike claims regarding Bat Boy- they have already been conclusively proven false. Claims regarding the Illuminati are not eligible because, if true, they would expose claimants to dangerous reprisals. Watergate is ineligible because it's a real conspiracy, not a conspiracy theory.
Some claims are clearly too ridiculous to be worth further scrutiny. Thus, MK-ULTRA and Operation Stargate are not eligible for the challenge because not only is the government too incompetent to engage in a conspiracy, it is also far too wise to waste money on bizarre schemes to develop psionic and mind-control weapons.
6. How is the challenge to be judged?
I do not serve as the judge for the challenge. Instead, applicants to the challenge must devise their own criterion of proof which will make the truth or falsity of their claim self-evident, without requiring formal judging. My only involvement in the process is to reject criteria of proof which do not meet my standards of academic rigor.
Clearly this is a fair rule, and slanted towards the applicants- after all, they get to serve as their own judges. Moreover, since the criterion of success is mutually agreed upon, neither side can be forced into doing something they don't want to do. It's potentially easy for the challenge to degenerate into finger-pointing once you fail. This rule is meant to ensure that finger-pointing will have no merit.
7. Can I be disqualified from the challenge because of my atrocious behavior?
YES. I can cancel your application at any time if I deem your behavior to be unacceptable, and it will be all your fault, and you will have no one to blame but yourself, you... you... you nasty little child, you!
The following behaviors can result in your being disqualified and permanently barred from the challenge:
Profanity. Obstinacy. Unwillingness to cooperate. Criminal libel (especially insistence that I, Wintermute Bookbinder, am narrow-minded or dishonest, or insistent criticisms of the terms of the Million-Dollar Challenge.)
8. Is there a judge to whom I can appeal my disqualification?
NO. The decision will be made purely by myself, with no possibility of appeal.
Please understand that as I am an eminently fair and reasonable person, you cannot hope for any better judge than myself. I will only use my unilateral power to cancel the challenge under the most extreme circumstances. After all, it is not my goal to reject your claim. While I feel that beliefs such as your own are so inane that I often publicly speculate that they must have their origins in an undiagnosed brain tumor, I nonetheless have no greater interest than giving your beliefs a full and fair hearing, and am perfectly willing to pay out $1 million should they turn out to be true. Surely you understand that criticisms of my challenge or my character constitute criminal libel, and thus it is only reasonable that anyone making such criticisms be permanently banned.
9. Can I only be banned for criticising the challenge while I am being tested, or am I forbidden to make any public comments criticising the challenge at all?
You will be permanently banned from the challenge if you ever claim that the test is unfair, or that I am dishonest, in any place, at any time.
In particular, visitors to the online forum of the Wintermute Bookbinder Educational Foundation should remember that the forum exists solely to further free and open debate. It does not exist to provide you with a platform for criticising me or my challenge. While you are free to offer brief or tepid criticism of the WBEF and its challenge, bear in mind that it shouldn't get out of hand. Remember, the WBEF exists to further my crusade against conspiracy theorists such as yourself. And while open debate is a healthy part of that crusade, the fact remains that the WBEF does not exist to further the crusade of conspiracy theorists against me.
posted by Wintermute at 9:43 PM
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