America's #1 Conspiracy Theory

Have you ever wondered how many of the people who read (and for that matter write for) Skeptical Inquirer and Skeptic are conspiracy theorists? After all, polls say that something like 75% of Americans are conspiracy theorists. They believe that the sinister Vietnamese government has been holding American servicemen prisoner for the past three decades. Apparently Vietnam wants to use them as a bargaining chip, even though they mysteriously never make any demands. And naturally, the only evidence for this belief is the utter and total absence of evidence. "Vietnam denies holding American POW/MIA's. That proves they're really holding them! After all, if they aren't really holding POW's, what possible motive would they have for lying? If they really don't have any POW's, why do they consistently refuse to hand them over?" This is, incidentally, one of the few conspiracy theories which really fits that Skeptical stereotype. JFK conspiracy theorists don't say that the conspiracy is proven by the absence of evidence- they point to the Zapruder film, the photo of the grassy knoll, Oswald's CIA connections, etc. Who really and truly points to the total lack of evidence as proof of their conspiracy theory? The federal, state, and local governments that fly POW/MIA flags. That's what gives the conspiracy theory a respectability which JFK theories lack. If you had never heard of the POW/MIA issue and some homeless man told you that Vietnam was secretly torturing American POW's 30 years after the fact, you would think he was insane.

So, how do the paragons of critical thinking respond? A search for "Vietnam" on the Skeptical Inquirer website pulled up, honest to God, articles on Bigfoot. That's right- the most banal paranormal phenomenon possible, even in theory. If I had the mysterious power to shake exactly two aspirin out of the bottle every time, that would have more significance than the existence of Bigfoot. On the other hand, our government is exploiting the grief of a couple of thousand families, knowing full well that the POW/MIA story is utter and total horse hockey, because their own files show that many of the "MIA's" are unrecovered because their planes crashed into the ocean in full view of aircraft carrier crews. Naturally, Skeptical Inquirer gives this reprehensible fraud exactly as much attention as it gave the Nigerien yellowcake: none whatsoever. They're too busy proving that the Lake Grundlegrunt monster doesn't exist. What's that? You've never heard of Lake Grundlegrunt, a town of 762 people who holds an annual Monsterfest to bring in tourist dollars? Well, maybe if you read Skeptical Inquirer instead of mediamatters.org you would be a well-informed person. And as far as I can tell, Skeptic and The Skeptic's Dictionary are similarly more concerned with irrelevant hoaxes than with the great and fatal frauds of our time.

Let's have a multiple-choice quiz. Why don't the Skeptics take on the POW/MIA myth?

1. Nobody believes in the Lake Grundlegrunt sea monster. Precious few people have even heard of it. So if you want to badmouth it, no one will cancel their subscription. On the other hand, plenty of people will cancel their subscription if you take on POW/MIA, Nigerian uranium, the use of white phosphorus in Fallujah, or any of countless other government hoaxes. Play it safe: only attack beliefs that you already know your readers sneer at.

2. Yes, the POW/MIA myth is a conspiracy theory. But it posits a foreign government run by Sadistic Asian Devils as the bad guys. But in order to debunk it, the Skeptics have to admit that a government conspiracy of American White Guys (Nixon, Kissinger, and Perot, to be exact) deliberately promulgated the POW/MIA myth. Well, gosh, Skeptics would never want to promulgate a conspiracy theory- only crazy people believe that Nixon was secretly up to no good.

3. Skeptics are like any other conspiracy theorists: they cannot accept the fundamental randomness and meaninglessness of historical change. JFK conspiracy theorists can't accept that a lone nut with a rife can change the course of history, so they posit the comforting belief that the CIA secretly has everything under control. The Skeptics can't accept that a lone nut with a military prison deep in the Vietnamese jungle is the most logical explanation for the MIA's, so they retreat into the comforting delusion that the Vietnamese government is behind their ongoing incarceration.

I don't pretend to know the answer. I don't have to pretend- I do know the answer. But don't expect me to tell you. Such things are not to be thrown cheaply to the ears of the profane.

SPEND THIRTY DAYS FASTING IN THE WILDERNESS TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE MIND-SEARING PHILIP K. DICKIAN REVELATIONS OF H. BRUCE FRANKLIN'S VIETNAM AND OTHER AMERICAN FANTASIES. READ THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LIES THE SKEPTICS DARE NOT FACE, AND TREMBLE!